- 12 Steps or "The Steps"(TWELV STEPS OR THUH STEPS)
The core set of spiritually grounded guiding principles in ACA, outlining the path of recovery.
“The 12 Steps have provided a framework for my recovery.
BRB: pg. ix, xiii, 91
- aaron aca 2(asfa sf asf )
testing 2
“no example yet
- ACA (When referencing oneself)(AY-SEE-AY)
An individual who was affected by growing up in a dysfunctional home of alcoholics (with alcohol present).
“As an ACA, I've learned to cope with the effects of my childhood.
BRB: p. xi, xvi, xvii, 3
- Adult Child(uh-DULT CHYLD)
Similar to an ACA, an individual raised in an environment where addiction (other than alcoholism) or dysfunctional behavior was present. Examples are families of addiction, abuse, controlling families, narcissists, enmeshment, neglectful, perfectionistic, chaotic, militant, obsessive-compulsive and others.
“I am an Adult Child, having grown up in a dysfunctional household.
BRB: p. xvii, 4-5
- Black Sheep(BLAK SHEEP)
The family member is often viewed as the troublemaker or outcast. Black sheep often carry the family shame.
“Being the Black Sheep of the family, I often felt blamed for problems I didn't cause.
- Co-Victim(KOH VIK-tim)
An individual affected by another's behavior or addiction, often adopting unhealthy coping mechanisms.
“As a Co-Victim of my mother's addiction, I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms.
- Critical Parent(KRIT-ih-kul PAIR-nt)
The shame enforcer. This is the internalized voice of an external parental figure that often presents as self-critical or judgmental thoughts towards oneself. It is generally developed from negative childhood experiences with parents or caregivers. The critical parent is a projection of external experiences (parental figures, external conversations, teachers, bosses, coaches, ministers etc) these are learned criticisms that we internalize and use on ourselves.
“Whenever John makes a mistake, he hears his critical parent telling him he's not good enough, a voice he's working to quiet in his recovery journey.
- Cross Talk(KRAWSS TAWK)
In meetings, giving advice to others, interrupting, or referring directly to others' shares. Virtually anything of the like, depending on motive.
“In ACA meetings, we avoid Cross Talk to ensure everyone feels heard. Save all cross talk for discussion after the meeting ("the meeting after the meeting").
BRB: p. 341, 564, 573
- Detachment with Love(dih-TACH-muhnt with luv)
Separating oneself from others' issues without losing empathy or love for them.
“Through ACA, I've learned Detachment with Love, allowing me to care about my family without becoming enmeshed in their problems.
- Difference Between ACA and Adult Child
When referring to oneself: ACAs grew up with alcoholism, while an Adult Child grew up in another dysfunctional environment that yielded similar results.
“The main difference between an ACA and an Adult Child lies in the specific types of dysfunction they were exposed to during childhood.
- Disidentification(dis-eye-DEN-tuh-fi-KAY-shuhn)
The process of separating oneself from the roles or behaviors learned in a dysfunctional family.
“Through Disidentification, I'm learning to separate who I am from the roles I took on in my dysfunctional family.
BRB: p. 125
- Dissociation(dih-soh-see-AY-shuhn)
The psychological process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, or sense of identity, often as a coping mechanism.
“When my parents argued, I would use Dissociation to shield myself from pain.
BRB: p. 17, 87, 203, 253, 269, 344
- Dry Drunk(DRY DRUNK)
An individual no longer drinking alcohol but still exhibiting dysfunctional behavior patterns. An individual not or no longer drinking alcohol but still exhibiting the dysfunctional behavior patterns of an alcoholic.
“An individual not or no longer drinking alcohol but still exhibiting the dysfunctional behavior patterns of an alcoholic.
- Emotional Sobriety(ih-MOH-shuh-nuhl suh-BRY-uh-tee)
A state of emotional health where feelings are neither suppressed nor out of control.
“One of my goals in recovery is to achieve Emotional Sobriety, where I can manage my emotions without suppression or overwhelm.
- Enmeshment(in-MESH-muhnt)
Families where personal boundaries are blurred, they are overly involved in each other's lives. This often starts with a dominant family figure whose characteristics and behaviors are unconsciously adopted by the rest, leading to shared mannerisms, attitudes, and emotional reactions.
“Growing up, there was a lot of Enmeshment in my family, and I had little sense of where I ended and my mother began.
- False Self(FAWLS SELF)
The facade or persona created to survive in a dysfunctional environment. The True Self is a combination of the physical, mental, and emotional aspects of who one is at birth. The False Self is the mental and physical traits that are learned through dysfunctional upbringing. Because the False Self is 'mental' it is the creator of survival strategies.
“For many years, I hid behind my False Self to protect my True Self from harm. I learned strategies such as 'if dad is drinking, then shut up, stay hidden', I created the False Self.
- Family Hero(FAM-uh-lee HEER-oh)
The family member who assumes responsibilities and tries to make everything appear fine. Also known as Hero Child.
“I was the Family Hero, always trying to keep things under control.
- Family-of-Origin(FAM-uh-lee uhv OR-ih-jin)
The family unit one was born or adopted into, often where dysfunction first occurs.
“In therapy, we often discuss my Family-of-Origin and how their behavior has impacted my adult life.
- Fellow Traveler(FEL-oh TRAV-uh-ler)
Refers to another individual in ACA. The term emphasizes mutual support and equality in the recovery journey. Unlike traditional hierarchical sponsorship models, the fellow traveler method positions both individuals—whether sponsor and sponsee or co-sponsors—as equals, collaborating to heal from the effects of growing up in dysfunctional families.
“As a Fellow Traveler, Sarah deeply understood and identified with the struggles shared in ACA meetings.
- Full Remembrance(FULL rih-MEM-bruhns)
Recalling and understanding past experiences and emotions that were often buried, a key step in recovery.
“Through Full Remembrance, I've been able to connect my current behavior to past experiences.
- Greater Power(GRAY-tur POW-er)
Another term for a Higher Power, used interchangeably.
“In my Step work, I chose to call my Greater Power 'Love' because that felt safer to me than the word 'God.'
- Hero Child(HEER-oh CHYLD)
The family member who takes on responsibilities and tries to hold the family together. Also known as the Family Hero.
“As the Hero Child in my family, I often felt it was my responsibility to keep everything running smoothly.
- Higher Power(HAI-er POW-er)
A spiritual entity or principle that is greater than oneself, often used for guidance and support in recovery. Often called a Greater Power.
“I turn to my Higher Power for guidance when I'm feeling lost.
- Human Doing(HYOO-mun DOO-ing)
A term describing someone who bases their worth and identity on constant activity, productivity, or achievements, rather than simply existing and connecting authentically with their emotions and inner self ("human being").
“Before ACA, I was a Human Doing—always busy, never pausing to feel or reflect on who I really was.
- Inner Child(IN-er CHYLD)
This refers to the aspect of your psyche that holds onto your childhood experiences and emotions. It's your Inner Child at play when you find yourself reacting to situations in ways similar to how you did as a child, typically reflecting defenses or coping mechanisms you developed during childhood.
“In therapy, I've learned to listen to my Inner Child and validate his/her experiences.
- Inner Children(IN-er CHIL-dren)
Refers to the various parts of your psyche, each representing a version of yourself at different ages or stages of childhood. These Inner Children may have become "locked in" emotionally due to different experiences, traumas, or unmet needs, each exhibiting unique behaviors, reactions, and coping strategies.
“Through recovery work, and with the help of my sponsor I discovered I had MULTIPLE Inner Children—each needing attention, validation, understanding and healing in their own way.
- Inner Drug Store(IN-er DRUH-g STOR)
This term refers to our internal emotional states, reactions, and even brain chemicals produced that mimic the highs and lows often sought through substance use. Fear or excitement can activate the production of adrenaline, serotonin, endorphins and other neurotransmitters, similar to cocaine or alcohol. Binge eating or other indulgences can create dopamine, etc. It often represents the chaos adult children may unconsciously create as a coping mechanism to achieve these "highs". Visiting the inner drug store via use of external substances can be a gateway to other addictions.
“In moments of emotional turmoil, instead of seeking help or using healthy coping mechanisms, I unknowingly tap into my Inner Drug Store, creating a whirlwind of chaos to mimic the adrenaline highs I'm accustomed to.
- Integrating the Traits(IN-tuh-gray-ting thuh trayts)
The process of recognizing and accepting both the functional and dysfunctional traits within.
“Through therapy, I'm integrating the Traits I've developed, both good and bad.
- Invisible Child(in-VIZ-uh-bul CHYLD)
The family member who avoids attention to minimize conflict or stress.
“As the Invisible Child, I learned to keep a low profile to avoid my parents.
- Lost Child(LAWST CHYLD)
The family member who withdraws or isolates to avoid family dysfunction.
“As the Lost Child, I would spend hours in my room alone to escape the chaos of my family.
- Loving Parent(LUH-ving PAIR-nt)
An inner nurturing voice developed in recovery, offering support and encouragement.
“I've learned to be a Loving Parent to myself, giving the support I didn't receive as a child.
- Mascot(MAS-kot)
The family member who uses humor or distraction as a coping mechanism.
“In my family, I played the Mascot, always trying to lighten the mood with a joke or funny comment.
- Meeting After the Meeting(MEE-ting AF-ter the MEE-ting)
Informal gatherings and conversations held after ACA or AA meetings, where members continue discussions, share insights, or talk openly about topics that didn't fit within the formal structure of the meeting.
“I found the Meeting After the Meeting to be incredibly helpful, more helpful even at times than the Meeting, as it gave me a chance to dive deeper and ask questions on topics we couldn't fully cover during the regular meeting.
- Para-Alcoholic(PAIR-uh al-kuh-HAW-lik)
An individual displaying alcoholic behavior without consuming alcohol, typically found in codependent relationships.
“My father was a para-alcoholic, often showing signs of alcoholism or intoxication even though he wasn't drinking.
- Parents of Our Own Making(PAIR-nts uhv hour owhen MAY-king)
Individuals or entities we choose as role models or guides in our healing process to help us along the way.
“In recovery, I've chosen Parents of My Making, role models who guide me toward healthier behaviors.
- Passing the Bundle(PASS-ing thuh BUN-dul)
This term refers to the process of passing down dysfunctional patterns and behaviors from one generation to the next. The goal in recovery is to lessen the 'weight' of the bundle for future generations by healing and breaking these cycles.
“Through recovery and self-work, Aaron hopes to limit how much of the "bundle" of dysfunction and trauma gets passed down to her own children—knowing that some passing of the bundle is inevitable, her goal is to lighten it as much as possible.
- Qualifier(KWAL-uh-fy-er)
Another person or trait (see Laundry List), or combination of traits that suggest a person is eligible for recovery. Recognition/admission of behaviors that fit dysfunctional descriptions.
“My brother, an alcoholic, was my Qualifier, helping me realize I needed help too. Breaking 300lbs on the scale was a good qualifier that I needed help with my food addiction.
- Rage vs Anger(RAYJ ver-sus ANG-er)
The difference between uncontrolled fury often from past hurt (rage), and a valid emotional response to current situations (anger). Rage is an accumulation of past experiences in which one has not expressed how they were feeling. Often-times suppressing the healthy expression of one's feelings (anger) will lead to an eruption (rage). During these eruptions one often is giving an accumulation of all the unexpressed past feelings, causing one to over-exaggerate the response. Anger is information provided by perception that signals one is having their boundaries crossed or they are being abused, physically or emotionally.
“After years of suppressing my anger whenever my boundaries were violated, I eventually erupted in rage over minor things—realizing later it wasn't about that small issue, but the accumulation of unexpressed feelings from the past.
- Reactor vs Actor(ree-AK-ter ver-sus AK-ter)
The difference between reacting out of past programming vs consciously acting in the present.
“I'm learning to be an Actor rather than a Reactor, making choices based on my present needs rather than past traumas.
- Reparenting(ree-PAIR-uhn-ting)
The process of providing oneself the guidance and nurturing missed during childhood.
“Through Reparenting, I'm learning to provide for myself the love and guidance I didn't receive as a child.
- Scapegoat(SKAYP-goht)
The family member blamed for the family's problems. AKA Black sheep. Carries the family shame.
“As the Scapegoat, I was always blamed for our family's issues.
- Seeking The Familiar(SEE-king thuh fuh-MIL-yur)
The tendency of ACAs to recreate environments or situations that mirror those of their dysfunctional upbringing, often subconsciously, because it gives a sense of familiarity and comfort, despite being potentially harmful.
“I often find myself procrastinating and causing unnecessary anxiety as if I'm seeking the familiar chaos of my childhood home.
- Self-Parenting(SELF PAIR-uhn-ting)
Similar to reparenting, it's the act of nurturing and caring for oneself in a parental role.
“Through Self-Parenting, I've learned to give myself the care I need.
- Serenity(suh-REN-uh-tee)
The peace and calm that can be achieved through recovery. Breathing, present moment living.
“Through ACA, I have found a sense of Serenity I never thought possible.
BRB: p. 16, 116, 124, 195, 200, 374
- The Committee in Your Head(thuh kuh-MIT-ee in yor hed)
The internal voices that represent past influences and messages, both positive and negative.
“Sometimes, The Committee in My Head can be overwhelming, but I'm learning to distinguish helpful voices from harmful ones.
- The Laundry List(the LAWN-dree LIST)
A list of 14 common characteristics shared by adult children who grew up in dysfunctional or alcoholic homes. Created by ACA founder Tony A., this list serves as a foundational resource helping individuals identify problematic traits and behaviors formed in childhood.
“When I first read The Laundry List, I finally felt understood, recognizing myself clearly in nearly every characteristic.
- True Parent(TROO PAIR-nt)
A nurturing force, external or internal, that offers unconditional love and guidance.
“I've learned to become a True Parent to myself, offering the love and guidance I didn't receive as a child.
- True Self(TROO SELF)
Your authentic identity that emerges when you've worked through your past traumas and shed self-destructive behaviors and defenses. This is the aspect of you that acts consciously in the present, rather than reacting out of past programming.
“Through ACA, I'm learning to embrace my True Self (my truth), rather than the roles I played in my dysfunctional family.
BRB: p. 31, 266, 268, 302